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Distribution: Post this where you want, just let me know when you do.
Spoilers: Season 6 through the Doublemeat episode.
Disclaimer: All the Buffyverse stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and those involved with the show. I have no right to any of them and make no money from this. The Ulthar and dreamlands references, more or less, are all from the works of H.P. Lovecraft and I don't have any right to those either.
Summary: Miss Kitty Fantasico's view on the events of this season and the last, and her actions to set things right. Angst free and lighthearted, I hope.
Note: Written February 2002
Miss Kitty Fantastico Saves the Day, Again!
The Misadventures of a Witch's Cat
Now as everyone, or at least everyone who's anyone, knows, a witch's cat's job is to care for and protect their charges and watch over their dreams. Miss Kitty Fantastico, which, by the way, was not her real name though she had gotten used to it, eventually, was deemed by other witch's cats to be particularly blessed by having two witches to look after. Jealous regular cats would have considered this a curse, but what did they know? They were normal cats after all. It just so happens that Miss Kitty was also renowned, amongst witch's cats and others in the know, to be an extraordinary case, which she thought really wasn't fair. She, and her charges, had already saved the world several times. When had these world saving actions occurred, one might ask, as many others recently had? Well, there was the small matter of the sweet smelling beast and the reality energy portal. There are some, short tailed, weak scented ones to be sure, that feel this is a prime example of why Miss Kitty is a special case. Through no fault of her own, one of her charges was thrust into delirium by the sweet smelling beast, who, by the way, was said to even have a comely appearance. To make matters worse, while the feline tried to salvage a thread of her charge's sanity, her second ward went and used dark magic to seek revenge on the pleasantly fragrant monster.
The whole incident was a great shock to Miss Kitty, and led to a special examination of her conduct by the Elders of Ulthar. The whole affair was very distasteful, as far as Miss Kitty was concerned, but she rallied herself and came through with unflagging spirits. Through just the right subtle dream nudges and carefully placed tomes, the jasmine scented witch, who had some strange human name like Willow or something, learned the proper spell to help defeat the sweet smelling beast. The jasmine flavored person even managed to perform the spell correctly, well Miss Kitty had been instructing the human's dream self how for over a month, and don't think that wasn't hard work either. Due to Miss Kitty's dedication her myrrh scented charge, who responded to sounds that seemed to come out as Tara, and whom Miss Kitty had chosen as her initial human, the other just seemed to come along with the first, escaped from dementia.
Some, who spoke without the first hand knowledge to back up their bleating, claimed that it was The Huntress of Life Drinkers that really saved the day and that Miss Kitty had little to do with it. The impertinence! Why, the Willow human was instrumental in weakening the sweet smelling beast, and, then her two charges acted in concert to help save the little energy portal. So the stupid Life Drinker didn't quite succeed; her witches were the ones who gave him the chance in the first place. Really, you did the best with what you had, but if the materials weren't adequate who could blame her?
The Elders, that's who. Of course they conveniently forgot about the time she turned back the moonbeast invasion. It had taken her at least a week of manipulations to get her humans' dream personas ready for that incident. The actual event had caused the jasmine redolent Willow person a smidgen of damage, but Miss Kitty had disguised that as due to spellcasting in the waking world. Like her charges couldn't perform a simple teleportation spell together, please. Without her actions the dreams of everyone world wide would have been devoured and used to create a black boil of a cityscape on the dark side of the moon. Now this certainly would have caused considerable damage to the frail human collective psyche.
Did she get credit for that? Most definitely not. The Elders instead chose to harp on the incursion of the cats from Saturn and her near failure then. She had had everything under control, despite what nervous tailwaggers might say. Her myrrh scented witch performed admirably, casting the exact spells that Miss Kitty and left for her to find. The other human even remembered to access the pretty red crystal that contained the dreamblood of previous witches to add power and just the right tone to the magic they all worked. What, Miss Kitty couldn't take a direct hand when necessary? Have you ever seen a Cat From Saturn? With all those follicle thin tentacles wailing in the dream night threatening to create a planet of crazed humans who would probably construct millions of tail crushing rocking chairs? She certainly didn't want to live in a place like that, no thank you.
Somehow the arcane energy drawn on during the conflict had invigorated her charges, who instead of sleeping like a good felines would after a conflict had rubbed themselves against one another and moaned and made other strange noises the whole night. Really, how was Miss Kitty supposed to get the rest she needed and recuperate with all that going on? So the very next day she was completely exhausted and the jasmine scented witch so distracted that when the human had tried a fairly simple conjuration, instead of staying focused and true, had let loose a horrible creature from a different reality. Miss Kitty was lucky to have woken up and sensed the spell in time to stop more of the large malt and hop smelling creatures from getting loose. There could have been a flood of them, if she hadn't acted like lightning, did anyone recall that, hmmn? No, like a hairball that you can't cough loose everyone was stuck on the damage the creature did and how it had threatened to kill one of her charges.
At least the old ones did not fault her for not combating the essence of the First Huntress when it had invaded the Willow person's dreams and almost pulled the Tara witch in as well. She was just a young kitten then and had barely bonded with either of them. She hadn't known her own name then, and certainly wouldn't have shared it yet in any case. She was able to keep her main charge from being caught up in the danger by frolicking and drawing attention to herself and not letting the larger human go searching for the smaller one, blocking the second's distress took a great deal of energy and may even have stunted her growth for months before she recovered.
But that was all in the past. She had passed the Elder's conduct review, barely, and walked down the street of upturned tails learning the scents of all who had gone before her. The whole process had taken a very long time and now Miss Kitty was back and able to give her charges the attention they deserved. But were the silly humans carrying on in exemplary fashion without her? Did they refrain from putting themselves in inordinate danger and causing her uncomplimentary concern? No, Miss Kitty had found that her two wonderful smelling, caring and usually well minded witches had gone and gotten themselves into more trouble than normal cats in a dairy products processing center. The jasmine scented one was using strange unnatural magics she had picked up form who knew where, maybe a sorcerer from Leng was teaching them to her while she slept since Miss Kitty obviously hadn't been on guard, and the myrrh scented human had relocated herself, and Miss Kitty, to some other unfamiliar smelling location. Well, when the Elders called your body basically ran itself for the duration and didn't pay much attention to what was going on. Miss Kitty blamed the weak scented ones for not just passing her in the first place instead of demanding a long inspection of all her actions since kittenhood. And to make matters worse, the Elders would probably blame her for the current state of affairs, which was really unfair!
Well, OK, so part of the situation might have been her fault, just a teensy weensy bit. She had just gotten back from the examination, she had been horribly tired and needed to adjust to her waking body's limitations again so who could blame her if she had to rest and reacclimate? She was doing all that, with remarkable promptness she might add, when the next thing she knew she was singing and dancing with some normal tuna-breathed tomcat from down the block! Of all the indignities, though she did have to admit he had nicely rounded ears and muzzle. Be that as it may, the annoying, and not to mention distracting, musical interludes, and the dodging of thrown objects, I mean really, she was in key even if the stupid tom wasn't, led to her having to sleep deeply and so not be in a position to stop the jasmine scented witch from casting a spell that backfired.
Now Miss Kitty was not affected by the memory alteration spell, she knew who she was after all, and without that who would she be? Not a witch's cat certainly. She had been forced to use extraordinary measures. She went into the dreamlands and influenced one of her human's acquaintances, mostly by getting underfoot at the right time, but anyway it worked, to step on the spell's focus and cancel the magic. She might point out that she probably saved the world then and there since now the Huntress and her charges had their proper recollections back which in the future will probably allow them to defeat many unnatural beasts that, in their altered state, they wouldn't have. Unfortunately that was when, while she recovered from the near fiasco, the myrrh scented human hauled her off to the new location.
But that was all in the past. OK, Miss Kitty was still a cat, witch's cat or not, and cats have problems distinguishing past, present and future, dreams being tricky things and all, but she was reasonably certain that had all occurred previously. The task at paw was to repair whatever damage the jasmine scented witch had done to herself and her Tara charge. Easy as catching mice, right? Wrong. Her primary witch had so much arcane scarage running through her simple human mind it was a wonder she remembered how to cover up after relieving herself. Getting everything straightened out was taking as long as the Elder's review, and that was too long to be sure.
During the day, when her charge was present that is, Miss Kitty sensed great amounts of negative energy pouring off the female, she mentioned that witch's cats can do this, right? Of course they can, how else could she discern the need to bound over to the human, rub against her legs and sit on her lap? How else would she know to purr at just the right frequency to set the silly witch's mind at ease and induce the proper emotional perspective and reconstruct the right thought pathways? It's all about perspective, after all. The black and white feline made sure that during the day she kept in close contact with her Tara person and kept her mind on happy thoughts. Besides, the human had brought Miss Kitty a wonderful new cloth toy that had the most delightful fragrance to it so that even a witch's cat had to chase and toss and chase and toss and chew and lick and... Yes, well, it was all part of healing process for her ward who enjoyed her antics and would then radiate much more positive energy. Healing is a delicate art, you know.
At night Miss Kitty would slip into her human's dreams to repair the more important spiritual damage. Why, when she had first gotten back and done this she had encountered fighting energy directed at her other charge! That certainly wasn't right, and if Miss Kitty ever got her claws on the beast responsible, well, the human phrase "well used scratching post" came to her. The Tara witch's natural energy was so ravaged that she shied away from the jasmine scented witch's dream persona or sometimes even ran and hid from her. It made Miss Kitty's fur stand on end, it did.
So, each night Miss Kitty would enlarge herself to a suitable size so she could play with, and then thoroughly wash, her myrrh flavored human. Miss Kitty especially liked taking the Tara person, who in dreams had shining golden brown hair and stunning blue eyes like twin vortexes that drew your breath away, though if this was close to her waking form she wasn't certain, colors being a problem for her to discern there, to the towering trees of the Enchanted Wood. The feline felt that the primordial setting restored the witch's balance and made it easier for her to call upon the natural spirits when she worked magic in the waking world. She was also able to arrange some of the various flowers and toadstools in just the right patterns to imprint themselves on her witch's mind so that she would instinctively recognize the correct grimoire or treatise that Miss Kitty wanted her to consult. Now she merely had the natural growth sway in the wind creating a subtle harmony that whispered of love, desire and forgiveness already present deep within the human.
This particular night Miss Kitty also decided it would be beneficial to fetch the dream version of her other charge forth to frolic with her mate. Well, they were both females so they weren't exactly normal mates like you found in the mundane world, but more soul mates hatched from the same egg. Here the Willow human had blazing red hair which danced and flowed about a face of wonder that often wore a smile that could melt the coldest of hearts. Under the current circumstances however, the witch's natural radiance was dimmed and a black sludge like substance that resembled an Underworld ghoul's blood exuded from beneath her with every step, marring the serenity of the Enchanted Wood. Miss Kitty's tail bristled and she flexed her claws in the rich loam. She very much wanted to discover who had done such a thing to her second ward.
Despite the foulness that permeated the Willow witch, Miss Kitty used her fangs to pick her up by the neck, very gingerly, of course, since she didn't have fur, and placed her beside the Tara human. As had occurred in previous nights since she had finally calmed the Tara witch, the two humans stood awkwardly near each other. Miss Kitty took the initiative by washing both of the girls, and then nudging them into the nearby river, which incidentally ran all the way down to Ulthar. The crystal clear water ran dark for a moment, but then its restorative powers overcame the corruption. Miss Kitty Fantastico did not understand why her treatments weren't having a stronger or more expeditious effect. Perhaps the source of the taint dwelt with the jasmine scented witch? She needed to create a situation where her two charges met in the normal world with her present to observe and smell the second one.
Laughter and splashing from the river drew her attention from her thoughts. Her cherished humans were holding and touching each other, doubtless an attempt to rescent and reclaim one another, though really they should get out of the water before doing that or they'd just have to do it all over again once they emerged. In any case Miss Kitty considered their pressing together as probably a sign of positive progress.
Now, what had she been planning? She loved her witches but they often confounded her to no end, always making bizarre noises, picking her up, or scratching behind her ears where she couldn't reach and chasing away any productive thoughts. Ah, yes, more drastic action was called for to encourage a real world meeting of her two charges. After pulling them together off and on for what seemed like forever, making sure the proper herbs and essences were in the river, Miss Kitty believed a normal world muzzle to muzzle meeting would work out well. She sat on a rock and slowly washed herself, luxuriating in the warmth of the sun while her humans started moaning again.
The next day, or at least she thought it was the next day, at any rate she was positive it was back in the waking world, Miss Kitty decided to make her move. Normally when her Tara charge departed for the land of musty smells and other young humans she would just sleep on the human's resting slab. This time she kept an ear cocked and when the Tara human made to leave, the witch's cat had already suggested she leave the door open longer than normal, she darted out in a blur of black-white fur. A cry came from behind her, but she ignored it and sped on.
She made her way back to the dwelling her two humans had shared earlier, positive she would find the jasmine scented one there eventually. That was the easy part of her plan, however. The truly tricky part was to make it look like she had injured her paw. First she rolled around in some mud and then ran through some of the bushes, letting the branches pull at her fur. She just hoped no other cats saw her like this; really, she'd never live it down no matter how good the cause.
Being a witch's cat, and a good one at that, if she did say so herself, things worked out pretty much as she planned. The Willow witch found her on the front step and made concerned and loving noises and even did the trick where her face got wet. Miss Kitty mewed, hamming it up though she was an excellent storyteller if need be and those skills did her well at this point. She even held her front left paw up and hobbled about a bit, that is before the human scooped her up and carried her into the house.
Miss Kitty used the contact to carefully examine the odors and scents on the witch and then in the house. Something definitely wasn't as it should be. The Huntress' scent was still off, she hadn't smelled right since Miss Kitty got back from the Elder's review, and she was leaving a great deal of that one Life Drinker's musk around the house, like they were having regular close contact. But that was no immediate concern of hers, nor was the human young one who liked to drag string around for her. The unmistakable stench of dark magic and the siphoning of one's essence wafted from the Willow person, it made Miss Kitty nauseous it was so strong, but, like a good witch's cat, she overcame her revulsion and let the vile aroma drift over her so she could more closely identify it. There was something familiar in it, a signature scent that was earthy and feminine and yet rotting, almost like a sewer, though not quite so bad. She also found it awakened her protective and hunting instincts at the same time; now that was unusual.
She had it! That witch who was a human pretending to be a rat only she must be human again, that's whose scent she detected. Why that dark witch that didn't even rate a protective evil dog had cast a spell on her jasmine scented charge, and recently too by the smell of it. Miss Kitty knew she should have eaten the rat while she had the chance, rats are never, ever, up to any good. But hold on, there was more. She could sense that an energy essence siphon of a powerful and dark nature had been used on the Willow charge as well, most likely by a human male. Soon it would be imbedded so deeply as to be able to draw on the Tara witch as well, no wonder her dream cleansings were going so slow. Oh but the Elder's were going to hiss and screech when they found this out. Miss Kitty was so embarrassed. How could she not have detected or deduced this earlier? However, being a witch's cat of action, not all are by the way, she stopped berating herself and promptly went to sleep.
In the dreamlands she found the Amy creature's dream self in the loathsome upper reaches of the Crag of the Ghouls, where it was rocky and desolate and an evil smelling wind blew her fur about. She pounced on the evil witch, catching her beneath suddenly massive claws and then, somewhat roughly for Miss Kitty was not pleased, she grabbed the human by the neck and instantly returned to the Enchanted Wood. There she proceeded to transform the dream version of the witch back into a rat. At her beckoning, many of the cats from Ulthar gathered around the glade in which all this took place. Miss Kitty let loose the rat and the chase was on! Dozens of mewing and howling felines pursued the terrified rodent. Miss Kitty grinned a very satisfied grin, for what other type of grin can a feline ever possess, content with the knowledge that forevermore each night the waking Amy slept she would dream of being a rat again, pursued by many hungry cats. What's more, as she was inevitably devoured each night, for no one escaped the cats of Ulthar when their fur was raised and they were on the hunt, she would slowly lose her witchly powers and never be threat to any good witches again.
She returned to the mundane world just in time to smell the arrival of her original charge who rushed to her side. Since she did not wish to pay a call to the human healer of animals, no one ever wanted to visit them, she rose up and rubbed against her charge, no longer favoring the front right paw so much. Both of her wards cooed and fussed over her, and Miss Kitty used the opportunity to have their petting implements brush together. The two regarded each other and moistened their faces. After that they made noises at each other for so long Miss Kitty had to force herself to stay awake so that she could continue purring at the correct pitch to ensure that things went along correctly. They eventually entwined themselves and made soft squelching sounds with their lips. A fit of pressing and rescenting followed, which again Miss Kitty took for a good sign, and then they finally fell asleep, lying together on their sleeping slab. Now the real work would begin.
Instead of going to sleep herself, Miss Kitty waited for the male dark magician to come and feed, taking magical and spiritual energy, from her jasmine scented charge. Her fur stood on end and her tail bushed out just considering the matter. Oftimes such victims would find only their baser emotions exalted and become the loathsome sorcerer's evil thralls, if they were of significant power that is, if not they turned into lifeless husks that he used as a pool for magic, their souls eventually eroding to nothingness and their dream selves becoming ghouls in the Underworld. Those of a good heart and nature that couldn't be corrupted suffered fits and tremors, they looked pale and wan until eventually they faded into the mere memory of a phantom with no scent that fluttered around the border between the waking and dream worlds, a horrible fate for any witch. Miss Kitty knew all this because as a good witch's cat, which she was despite views to the contrary, you had to know these things.
So she waited, and waited, and waited, but cats are patient even when they would rather be sleeping and looking over their charges' dreams, and thus when the foul human, whom she recognized by reputation as calling himself Rack, floated outside her girls' window she was ready. Now in the regular order of things, a witch's cat is not supposed to drag waking humans directly to the dreamlands as it tends to have negative consequences. Oh, they can be fixed, but it is a major hassle and creates an enormous commotion and results in explanations being necessary to the human dreamlords as well as the Elders. However, draconian measures being necessary Miss Kitty's dream and waking selves each unsheathed their sixth claw, and ripped open the barrier between the two realities.
As soon as she did a squat, short furred Doberman appeared in the room and lunged for her. Miss Kitty was prepared for the true dark sorcerer to have been assigned a canine protector and so immediately dove underneath its belly. Instantly she spun on her back with rear claws raking open the bottom of the dog's jaw while the fore ones tore open its belly unleashing a torrent of blood and excrement, the dog now being scared as it properly should with a mightily pissed off witch's cat beneath it. Before it could drop on her or recover from her assault, Miss Kitty rolled back onto her feet and dashed from underneath it. She rebounded off the nearby wall, twisted and landed with all four paws on the canine's back, her fangs ripping at nearby ear.
There are those, again short tailed, bobbed ear types, who would maintain that an adequate witch's cat, much less a superlative one, would accomplish her task without her charge ever being the wiser. Unfortunately for Miss Kitty, what with her dream self occupied and her having just broken the rules of transporting people to the dreamlands, this wasn't possible. Her Willow and Tara charges woke up and found her riding on the back of a bleeding, yelping very disconcerted canine that ran in circles trying to dislodge her, though she was firmly planted and was having none of it. All right, they were just silly humans so she forgave them for initially making shrieking sounds. She jumped clear of the beast and her two charges magically thrust it against the wall with great force. Miss Kitty added a touch of extra energy, just to make sure, though she did risk their noticing, and was satisfied to hear a resounding snap as it hit and sunk lifelessly to the floor.
Her witches made startled and concerned noises and immediately hurried over to her. Miss Kitty hung her tail abashed at her current state, covered with blood and feces she surely smelled horrible and this would likely entail being dipped in water by the humans. She shuddered slightly, which they mistook as shock. If only her witches would just give her enough time she could clean herself, thank you very much. But no, they hauled her off to the room with their watery litterbox and proceeded to fill the large trough and then dunked her under adding a special liquid that helped pull the stench off her quicker. Well, she did have to confess that this was the faster method of getting clean and she didn't have to work as hard to do it, but she would never admit it to anyone. Her charges rubbed her dry with a large cloth that smelled of them. This part she actually liked and raised her head and stretched to make sure they did a thorough job.
A bit later some other humans came and took the dog carcass away and made noises at her charges while the Tara person held her closely, still wrapped in the towel to keep her warm of course. Even the huntress showed up to examine the situation, though fortunately she didn't notice any of Miss Kitty's handiwork. The jasmine scented one cleaned the mess created by the confrontation, while the witch's cat used her paw to clean a few spots on her face that they had missed. When all was finally done, her charges took off their coverings, put on others and crawled under their blankets. The jasmine scented Willow human hauled Miss Kitty in with her, nestling the feline under her arm, while the myrrh scented Tara witch snuggled up against the other girl. Miss Kitty tucked herself into a compact ball and went to sleep wearing her satisfied grin.
What about the human dark magician? Miss Kitty's dream self had dragged him into the dreamlands literally kicking and screaming for he knew he was no match for the witch's cat on her home ground. His dark magics availed him to nothing and Miss Kitty played with her new toy until it broke. Then, her work almost finished, she set about eating the body, because you can never be too careful where an evil sorcerer is concerned. Upon completion, her dream self also sank into a deep period of restfulness to pay for her exertions. Despite knowing that the Elders would demand another review, she wore the same satisfied grin as her waking body. All was right with her charges once again.
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